3 years ago, while at a Prüvit event in Dallas, Texas, I embarked on this mindfulness walk with Mitch Newman. It was a practice in being completely honest and vulnerable with all the suck in your life that you may be clinging on to.
The narratives we continue to tell ourselves to justify our situations, or that hinder us from making bold moves, or stepping outside your comfort zone.
We had to speak out loud all of the suck in our life, even the most painful moments, and go on a silent walk to release a lot of the emotion surrounding it.
I had no idea back then how much that practice lingers in my mind now, when I need it most.
Today, all of the suck came to a head. My doubts and fears, my physical and mental struggles, my self-worth and situational depressive state, were so present that they crippled me. It literally made me ill.
Up until about 1pm today, I was consumed by it - not in an accepting way - but it a fully enveloped cocoon of guilt, fear, shame, confusion, fog, and pity. I let every bad thought grow like a parasite and take over my mindset, despite knowing it was just another narrative.
But I clung to the ONE iota of hope in the deep corners of my heart and mind that I am worthy, but all of this emotion is okay and just to accept it without denying it.
And then another sign came. My favourite UPS man rang the doorbell and handed me 3 boxes of ketones which I had run out of. I nearly cried.
I stood in the kitchen, in my robe, messy hair and no makeup, feeling the weight of life (and the baby) holding this packet of Blue Ocean that I quickly shook up and began to drink.
"While I'm up," I thought, "I may as well shower."
I got in, put on cold water and brought my ketones to join me as the water trickled down my hair and my body. In those moments, I let go of everything...
I recalled Rafiki in Lion King, "what does it matter, it's in the past" and I was completely present for each droplet of water cascading off my shoulders, over my nearly 40 week pregnant belly and pooling by my pedicured toes.
Then, I got out. Started to blow dry my hair, put on a bit of makeup, and finished my ketones.
That's all it took. One decision, not 800.
One choice to be 1% better in that moment, than the moment before. And it sparked a chain of events that took me outside of my suck from living IN IT, to seeing it for what IT WAS. A part of the process, necessary to feel but not to stay in, and allowed me to gain more perspective.
What was good about it? The extra rest I gave myself, the chance to disconnect and spend sometime in my thoughts vs. being in the quote, unquote hustle and forgetting self care. I could see it in a new lens, all thanks to one decision.
I'm writing this now parked outside a coffee shop where I have my laptop and about to go get some important work done. I'm writing it not to say, "hey look at what I did, you can do it too"...but rather "man, its OKAY to be NOT OKAY sometimes..." and I can relate.
The things that remind me of my greatness are: ✅Connection - to myself, with authentic friends and mentors, and with nature ✅Movement - just a walk can change my physiology which in turn can shift my mindset ✅Good Food - seriously, if you are in a depressive state, all the sugar and carbs in the world will only contribute negatively. A clean, fat filled salad changes everything for me. ✅Ketones - I'm 100% serious about this. It lights up my brain in ways I cannot describe, and literally jolts my mood and resets my focus. I wouldn't be here ranting and raving if it wasnt for that packet. ✅ Acceptance - embrace the suck was what I personally needed to be able to move forward...sunshine and rainbows don't exist without occasional clouds and rain
As I finish this up, I'm proud. ❤ I'm proud that I have such a strong community of friends, family and my partner who are supportive in my endeavours and remind me of my worth when I have misguided thoughts. ❤ I'm proud of myself for recognizing and not denying my feelings, and to do even 1 thing to change the outcome. ❤And I'm genuinely proud of all the unknown people out there who may be going through something now or at some point and that have the courage to be fearful, and do the things anyway.
You are all beautiful. Thank you for allowing me to have a voice. xo